I thought I commented on this before, but I must have been sidetracked on the way.

Your opening line is fantastic. It hangs a huge question mark in the reader’s mind, and you have to read on to find out more. My only problem with the piece is that, upon reaching the end, I still had that question mark hung in my mind. Once I read the comments, I realized your meaning.

Thank you for your bravery in sharing this story. My guess is that you’re still (and always will be) processing this experience and that is why it’s a bit unclear upon retelling. That’s the protective nature of the psyche. Pieces come and pieces go. Words have such wings in trials such as these.

I, too, loved Carnegie and how you thread the bird throughout the story. And “Carnegie Hall”? So clever!

Thanks so much for sharing, Lee!

Hi LoriMarie!

This is a vivid piece that really pulls at those old memories. I mean, they would, if we’d been allowed to have dances. I’m not bitter. 😉

While I read this story, I expected the girls to turn on Kathy (or each other, at least), because that’s what we’ve been conditioned to expect with stories like these–the “Mean Girls” mentality. When that didn’t happen, I was a little surprised. Kathy’s line about her “cake boyfriend” hinted at something below the surface with her (ahhhh, emotional eating).

My suggestion for improvement might be to add tension in this story somewhere, otherwise it’s just a whimsical retelling–which is okay sometimes, too!

Thanks for sharing!

Hey James!

I like this, and for some reason it struck chords with me because of “In the Middle”. Even though the worlds are different, the question’s still there: Where am I?

Katie mentioned that Annabelle’s eyes were the only color mentioned in this world, but that’s not true. You also mentioned the emerald meadows of his prior world. So, your only color mentioned is, quite specifically, emerald, and it describes eyes and grass. So minor. And a few phrases where phrases could be reversed to strengthen the passage (passive verb kind of stuff).

I felt drawn to this piece because I could understand it without needing to think like a dwarf. Felt more accessible to a Fantasy-newbie such as myself, I guess.

Loved the bit about the words he’d managed to decipher. It’s almost funny, and that glimpse of humor in a passage like this gives the reader a chance to breathe for half a second.

Great piece. The dialogue is really what makes this story work. Description and sensual details are at a minimum, but I’d expect that during [mostly] conversation.

The reader will relate to this couple because, honestly, who hasn’t wanted to chuck it all and run away? Love the use of “yanno”.

I agree with Katie that his acceptance might be a little quick, maybe some internal reaction to give the reader time to process, too?

My only real nit-picky thing with this piece is all of the ellipses. Writing interrupted or incomplete thoughts does warrant the use of something, but maybe you can give eyeballs a break by throwing in an em dash here and there. Perhaps I’m the only one put off by this, it’s such a minor thing and probably just my personal preference.

Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for sharing, Susan! The horse lover in me felt very sad after reading this. Loved the connection with Judas and hanging oneself with the halter.

It’s very poetic, for a blog post. I think readability (or maybe comprehension) would be helped with formatting. Paragraph breaks or italics or… something.

Lovely.

Please paste it, Judith! We’re here to share with each other!

… which reminds me, I still need to post something for this exercise.

Hey James!

My confusion with this short story is this: the old man he thinks he’s tailing is actually a woman with a gun? It’s dramatic, but could he slow down or speed up to get away from her if there is, indeed, miles of open highway ahead?

If it’s rush hour, probably there aren’t miles of open highway ahead.

There was a section where you used “vehicle” in close proximity. I noticed it, so I’m pointing it out, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Otherwise, I think we’ve all been there–agitation with other drivers, or being the target of someone else’s rage. And, probably, none of us have been confronted by a chick with a gun.

Your dialogue was realistic. The last line is haunting

Thanks for sharing!

Judith — My understanding of this exercise is just to get it out there, beyond the confines of this group. If you have something ready for Amazon or Story Cartel, great (can we help you with the requirements for Story Cartel submission? I just did it, myself). If not, a blog or someone else’s blog works.

You’re in a unique position because people hear what your background is and their ears perk up! So many in this field looking for that leg up into a book deal or agent contract.

Sounds like you had a lovely visit, and too bad she hasn’t taken you up on your offer!

Awesome, Andy!

Nice! Congrats!

Hi Suzie! Welcome to our group!