Loved this Dawn. Nice job.

These images stuck with me after reading:

“Hours later, Charlotte would fall back to sleep, usually sitting upright on the sofa, phone in hand, waiting for him.”

“Rand sat up in bed, flipping the covers off his bare stomach and onto the end of the bed. He pressed his palms into his eyes for a moment before turning back to Charlotte. ”

Good descriptions that translated to clear images in my mind. The imagery also illustrated Charlottes deep concern and Rand’s struggle to discren dream from reality for me.

I think you could develop this into novella or a novel if you wanted to. Graphic novel even.

I hope my thoughts were helpful. Thanks for sharing your story.

Regards,
Brian

Hey James,

This was right up my alley. As I read, I was reminded of stories with my old buddies from high school (some of whom I play golf with as well). I felt nostalgia and recognition and found myself grinning throughout 🙂

When I have several characters in a short piece, I’ve been told I sometimes have difficultly keeping my reader aware of who is speaking and acting all the way through. You don’t have that problem at all. I knew who was talking and acting the whole time. I could also imagine each of your friends and what they looked like from your descriptions. You hit the mark on those points for me.

I thought about suggesting using the past tense, but the more I think about it I’m not sure that would have worked as well. I’m struggling to find any other suggestions so I’ll leave it at that.

Thanks for sharing. I hope my comments were helpful.

Regards,
Brian

Hi Chase,

You had some great descriptions in your piece. I especially liked:

“The thin girl slumped in her seat, listening to her stomach argue in a foreign language for fifteen minutes.” This line made me smile 🙂

I also liked the contrast you drew between the haves and have nots; the front car and the rear car – tuxedos and gold and honey covered ham and cakes in the front but burgers and hotdogs and nachos in the back.

I read some good advice from Jeff Goins about selective use of cursing and swearing in writing. He drew a contrast to a Mumford and Sons song Little Lion Man. His point was that foul language was most effective when it was used sparingly and surprisingly like in that song where it comes in at the hook only, unexpectedly. I would suggest using the same approach for Alex and I think her dialogue would be more powerful.

I hope my comments were helpful.

Regards,
Brian

I enjoyed this immensely Susan. How fitting for this course! Thanks for sharing.

I wouldn’t change anything. I think you nailed it.

I suppose I don’t have an audience yet for the writing I’m passionate about. I do a good deal of business writing for my corporate job. I write well for that group which is an audience, but my heart is not in that writing. For my business audience I’m simply aiming to persuade, influence, present a strategy, etc which will make money for the company and me. That’s as far as my caring for the subjects I write in the “business genre” goes. It’s superficial and all about the $$$. There’s no soul in it.

Nothing I’ve written and shared outside of my corporate life has been published. I’ve taken a few classes online in different areas of the writing world – blogging, freelance and now story cartel – searching for the outlet that suites me. I’ve never had a blog that’s been widely read, never had a press release that’s been picked up and never had a short story published (and I was never passionate about the two former). So I’ve never had an audience, other than me, for the writing that I share from my soul and care most about. Sure I’ve had supportive friends and family, but never a group checking their inbox hoping to God to see my next blog post 🙂

I don’t feel discouraged or lost about that. To the contrary I feel confident. The writing I’m passionate about comes from my soul and is part of me so I think by default I am my primary audience. I write science fiction because I love the genre more than any other. I write stories that explore the unknown because that’s what my heart and soul crave to do.

My stories – especially the novel series I’m working on now – explore the “what if” of biology, space, other life forms and humanity. Books like The Ender’s Series, movies like Star Wars, and TV shows like Star Trek, all of which I love, are tremendously popular and loved. Since I love and emulate them in my writing also, I suppose my audience is out there and is just like me.

I’m here because I need to learn how to more effectively connect with my audience and improve my writing craft. The audience is there and waiting for another great story. I’m trying to see if I have one in me.

Hi Kate,

You are not alone. I’ve read others comment on the constraining 750 word count and of course I had the same worry as you with similar results. I think another, lengthier draft would solve a lot of our problems 😉

I think you’ve got a fantastic framework to work with! When I finished reading, I had so many questions – it left me wanting to read more to get some answers. What were the other girls like with Evangeline? How does Evangeline react to them? Does she change her naughty ways in the end? Your idea, even in this early stage of development, intrigued me and drew me in.

As a suggestion, I think if you spent more words describing the characters’ actions and thoughts rather than telling us what happened it might have pulled me into the story further. For example what was Evangeline thinking when she snatched that last cake? What thoughts went through her mind? I imagined her thinking, That cake is mine, all mine. You won’t have it governess. IT’S MINE! In some of the writing books I’ve read, the instructors call it showing instead of telling. I hope that makes sense.

I’m curious if you’ve considered who your intended audience is? I could see this story written for children or young adults as much as I could see it written for adults (depending on how dark you want to get). Is this novel going to be rated G or rated R? You could go either way or somewhere in between…

Overall I love your idea and I hope my comments were helpful. Can’t wait to read some more…

Best,
Brian

Hi Anne,

I’m going to have to keep Kleenex close when I read your stuff. This line really got me.

“Right then her arms ached to hold him once more. To scold him, to do anything that would give her another few moments with him.”

As a dad with two young children, that really hit a soft spot.

Buying a son a tin whistle after he sees a policeman using one – that’s something any loving mom would do. You showed talent using that imagery as a trigger for the Amy character. It was touching.

I would guess another draft probably would have improved the piece. There were some punctuation and spelling / wrong words used that you might have picked up in another walk through:

up where she left it before…” –> an open quote

So was so engrossed in the moment –> I think you meant She was so

I hope this was just a story. My deepest sympathies if that is not the case.

Regards,
Brian

I love writing and I want to write full time and make my living sharing stories. If there’s an international best seller in me that would be amazing! But mostly, I just want to write page turning, I-can’t-put-this-book-down-even-though-I-have-to-get-up-for-work-in-three-hours science fiction stories. Science fiction changed my life and the world. Would we have thought to put a man on the moon or a rover on Mars if Edgar Rice Burroughs hadn’t written A Princess of Mars in 1912?

I guess you could say I’m taking this course for B, E and lowercase c 😉

Hi James,

This story really resonated with me. Being the oldest of three, I can see myself in David’s position in the not too distant future. David’s thoughts and actions are accurate refelctions of real life I think. We help our parents out of obligation and love (probably in that order). You illustrate that through David’s interactions and thoughts well.

And of course, just when he thinks he’s done his duty…Can you come back tomorrow David? There’s always that one last thing from Mom and Dad right? His sigh at the end is natural and fitting in the context of helping your parents. Well done.

I’d just echo Margie’s comments in terms of how to improve. You’re a Hugh Howey fan right? I remember a post from his blog where he said the best praise he ever got was from a reader who said, “Your prose is so tight, man!”

Best,
Brian

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  Brian Rella.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  Brian Rella.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  Brian Rella.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  Brian Rella.