Nice work Chase. I liked this paragraph for instance:The woman spoke in a dialect of profanity that I imagine was reserved primarily for drunken sailors and hardcore rappers. If a censor had gotten ahold of her speech, it would have sounded like a long droning “BLEEEEEEEEEP” mixed in with words like, “mother,” and “molester.” You have allot to write about and a point of view that is homey. This is the second thing I read of you and I find allot of morality in what you write. I like it.

Did you see “The Dallas Buyers Club”-if not, do. And don’t stop writing!

Ebony:
This was one of the most professional, captivating, entertaining funny pieces I have read in years. You had me from the first. Mitch is the protagonist, and you nailed his foibles right in the first paragraph. Of course Ruthanne rooted for him because a protagonist with a problem is compelling! Great.

Then, my guy here in this house wanted to know why I was laughing out loud-well because of your writing. You are talented!!!!!! The tiny details-like the sleeping computers covered with sticky notes-so right on!!! I loved how Natasha didn’t want Mitch near her at the party. Of course not. He was a spoiler. I loved the synopsis of the problem from Mitch’s point of view versus from Natalia’s point of view. You chose just the right modifiers as in: pillowy bosom. Ebony-you have a great grasp of relationship problems and a good sense of humor. Thanks!

Ruthanne:
I found this piece very entertaining. However, I must tell you I have not kept up with the current leaning toward vampire stories, and shy away from horror shows.

There is a line I think, where horror crosses over to humorous. An example is “A Cabin in the Woods” where everyone was covered by blood,gore and gristly guts— until one just had to laugh-at all the monstrous things happening and the horror of the whole thing. Your piece has lots of humor in it. I loved the way the new boss felt he knew so much at first and was confounded and hopeless with the dilemma that emerged.

Although it was mind boggling (remember I am old and not used to such a piece) I had to laugh at the way these humans were described. I loved the bumbling “Superior” who was so burned out and confused that he kept stacking things on things (pencil sharpener and hot spot?)as he tried to leave. Some of the character descriptions are absolutely wonderful. Ex. “His voice cracked. He was at that age.”The way the twins slept, the way they interacted leaving the “meal” in a happy stupor-that was great.Wonderful dialogue!!!!!

You used a line to show a change of scene. The setting came by way of asides almost.
Like that thick glass cage that was impenetrable slowly came into my comprehension (I am slow however).

I think this is an entire book-not just 3000 words. I guess the transitions need to be there-not just lines. It reads sort of like a play, but a play has visual stage settings or, in reader’s theater, there is a narrator.

I think you have a great imagination and a very quick and agile mind. You make quantum leaps. Some of us-like me, are more of the “stuck in the mud” type. In a fast moving show like NCIS or 007 Skyfall, there is always a professor or a researcher explaining to the protagonist. There really isn’t much of that here (General Blue did shed some light), just a constant movement, and the protagonist must piece it all together-somehow. But, that takes time and you didn’t have that in this limited assignment. There are lots of holes in this-things that happen without explanation. It sort of evolves. I guess the dilemma needs to be outlined right in the beginning or soon into it. I realize the planet is dying or dead and radiation and bombing has done it, but the past is in the same time plane as the future almost (Notte is 1500 years old????) And I never did understand how anyone would be blamed for not keeping the twins in because they were described as being able to generate or degenerate in matter ( I think).Dr Ikinder certainly would have read that report-huge improbability! Also, why did the twins like George enough to offer him a chance to leave the planet? He should have done something generous or divulged something endearing to them-all he did was question and command (that I remember).

I could never write this, but if I did, I would take one scene and make it work as a story (3000 words). Jason is the son? Mention him earlier as he is the only one who is going to survive I think. If that is so, we should know the professor values ongoing life and has a son. I have a feelingly he only valued his son at the end-put his own self and ambition first in the beginning of the story. I’d start it with DR.Iskinder (George?) entering into a door with Project Opals on it. Maybe, George could see himself in the glass as we never did know what he looked like, admire himself and describe himself. It would be good to learn what he wanted-sounds like he wanted to have ownership and understanding (maybe ownership/control with the twins. (If he told them how long he had been waiting to meet them, they would then have a reason to invite him along to the new life-or did they read minds?) He also thought the department was not well run and he could do better (pride goeth before the fall). I loved your paragraph when his heart fell as he learned the twins came and went at will.I guess he went to find Notte to give his son knowledge that “pops” left no stone unturned. He is thinking of a legacy memory of himself he wants his son to have.

I think that first scene could show Dr. Ikinder’s fatal flaws and then he could evolve in the end to putting his son first. That might be the jist of the story, if this is about the protagonist’s development.

This is a complicated story and there is allot of room for character development with the plot just hinted at in the 3000 words. I would sure slow down this story-it is epic!!!!(1500 years?????)and there are other dimensions surfacing left, right, high and low-just too big for this format.

Again: I love the creativity, dialogue, and word choices that make unforgettable images arise. “Ikinder” (the name) suggests a German scientist and even a benevolent one-maybe something more ostentacious? The convoluted plot makes for confusion and too fast a pace to keep the depth hinted at. There could be 50 stories in this piece. WOW-what a mind you have!!!!!!

Ruthanne:
I found this piece very entertaining. However, I must tell you I have not kept up with the current leaning toward vampire stories, and shy away from horror shows.

There is a line I think, where horror crosses over to humorous. An example is “A Cabin in the Woods” where everyone was covered by blood,gore and gristly guts— until one just had to laugh-at all the monstrous things happening and the horror of the whole thing. Your piece has lots of humor in it. I loved the way the new boss felt he knew so much at first and was confounded and hopeless with the dilemma that emerged.

Although it was mind boggling (remember I am old and not used to such a piece) I had to laugh at the way these humans were described. I loved the bumbling “Superior” who was so burned out and confused that he kept stacking things on things (pencil sharpener and hot spot?)as he tried to leave. Some of the character descriptions are absolutely wonderful. Ex. “His voice cracked. He was at that age.”The way the twins slept, the way they interacted leaving the “meal” in a happy stupor-that was great.Wonderful dialogue!!!!!

You used a line to show a change of scene. The setting came by way of asides almost.
Like that thick glass cage that was impenetrable slowly came into my comprehension (I am slow however).

I think this is an entire book-not just 3000 words. I guess the transitions need to be there-not just lines. It reads sort of like a play, but a play has visual stage settings or, in reader’s theater, there is a narrator.

I think you have a great imagination and a very quick and agile mind. You make quantum leaps. Some of us-like me, are more of the “stuck in the mud” type. In a fast moving show like NCIS or 007 Skyfall, there is always a professor or a researcher explaining to the protagonist. There really isn’t much of that here (General Blue did shed some light), just a constant movement, and the protagonist must piece it all together-somehow. But, that takes time and you didn’t have that in this limited assignment. There are lots of holes in this-things that happen without explanation. It sort of evolves. I guess the dilemma needs to be outlined right in the beginning or soon into it. I realize the planet is dying or dead and radiation and bombing has done it, but the past is in the same time plane as the future almost (Notte is 1500 years old????) And I never did understand how anyone would be blamed for not keeping the twins in because they were described as being able to generate or degenerate in matter ( I think).Dr Ikinder certainly would have read that report-huge improbability! Also, why did the twins like George enough to offer him a chance to leave the planet? He should have done something generous or divulged something endearing to them-all he did was question and command (that I remember).

I could never write this, but if I did, I would take one scene and make it work as a story (3000 words). Jason is the son? Mention him earlier as he is the only one who is going to survive I think. If that is so, we should know the professor values ongoing life and has a son. I have a feelingly he only valued his son at the end-put his own self and ambition first in the beginning of the story. I’d start it with DR.Iskinder (George?) entering into a door with Project Opals on it. Maybe, George could see himself in the glass as we never did know what he looked like, admire himself and describe himself. It would be good to learn what he wanted-sounds like he wanted to have ownership and understanding (maybe ownership/control with the twins. (If he told them how long he had been waiting to meet them, they would then have a reason to invite him along to the new life-or did they read minds?) He also thought the department was not well run and he could do better (pride goeth before the fall). I loved your paragraph when his heart fell as he learned the twins came and went at will.I guess he went to find Notte to give his son knowledge that “pops” left no stone unturned. He is thinking of a legacy memory of himself he wants his son to have.

I think that first scene could show Dr. Ikinder’s fatal flaws and then he could evolve in the end to putting his son first. That might be the jist of the story, if this is about the protagonist’s development.

This is a complicated story and there is allot of room for character development with the plot just hinted at in the 3000 words. I would sure slow down this story-it is epic!!!!(1500 years?????)and there are other dimensions surfacing left, right, high and low-just too big for this format.

Again: I love the creativity, dialogue, and word choices that make unforgettable images arise. “Ikinder” (them name) suggests a German scientist and even a benevolent one-maybe something more ostentacious? The convoluted plot makes for confusion and too fast a pace to keep the depth hinted at. There could be 50 stories in this piece. WOW-what a mind you have!!!!!!

Hi Chase:
I confess your story left me wordless, so I got a glass of wine to think about it. Out of the ordinary for me, but really memorable. I know you have the sort of talent that Stephen Colbert, “America’s ballsiest pundit,” has. It is important that writing give us visual images (I think) and I have vivid impressions of Romeo in a plastic knight helmet bumbling up a bedsheet toward his Rapunsel in green facial mud (thank goodness she has a perfect face). You are definitely a different generation then me, probably grew up on Letterman’s tiny plastic depictions. Great! I enjoyed this story of yours and you have a “voice” to hone!

Now, you may (or may not) be flogged by bleeding hearts for “drop kicking” the dogs and that furry creature that attacked the Mormons on bikes; though you are not being politically correct, (maybe get insurance against being sued by the ASPCA, the image is—breath-taking. I actually think I would exaggerate it more. When our lovely green heroine got hit by a rock, (gravel?)l guess I’d describe the swelling and call it “endearing.” I assume the repeated phrases are for emphasis (sort of like poetry) sort of. the whole thing reminds me greatly of a scene from Forest Gump. The allusions to her being violated, they make this piece more then a romp of fancy.

There could be some corrections-like use “had written” instead of “wrote” to show the action happened before. But, your descriptive phrases like “total douche” and “unibrow” made me laugh. You can find another word better then “pathetic.”

I think you are “on to something.” Don’t stop! I thought your piece was one of the most entertaining I had read in a long time. Work on your adjectives other then the phrases you toss off that take ordinary folk (like me) a-back. I like to “right click” an adjective and see some alternatives. Make it even more vivid. Put unlikely things together! This gets a thumbs up from me!

Sarah:
These are first impressions-maybe with a re-read, I would be better with this critique. I liked the mystery of who they were and how—only at the last—did we know who Lenny and Lucy were. The whole piece was delightful. I also am from that part of the world so I understand the verdant green you aptly described, especially when coming from brown/dry.

Let’s see what worked best: “the shimmering ripples of the pristine lake were just visible beyond the overgrown branches that hung sheepishly overhead.” I liked that, but why the word “sheepishly”? I like to Google such a word or, in the WORD program, right click and see other choices. Maybe they were framing the scene with dark, angles. Were they awkward (implied by sheepish? Did they pale in comparison? Well, if that is not “it”-maybe just “not up to the par” and using the best word to get that across? I think every word in such a description must be perfect-like in poetry-right?

Then, instead of always your descriptions, I’d like to know who else is in this car—just enough by what comments they made. Instead of your descriptions, maybe each passenger could comment-just a sentence from each that catches the mood and idea.

Remember to use all the senses-not just what you saw, but what you heard-and that could be with words that described what was on the radio. I remember being in Iowa and hearing the comments on how commodities were doing-the price of cattle feed and corn futures as an example. Maybe a line from a song of the region. Also, what was the loon sound? Did it not touch your primal heart with wistful wild? Also, what were the smells, the air changed-how? Whenever we approach a special place with our dog in the car, she rises and begins to “yip” with excitement. I loved the undulating pavements from the hard weather-so true!

All and all, again, I enjoyed this greatly. You are talented, have heart, and you also have the midwestern thing that is solid and dependable-even enough to set aside the details of a trip to Haiti for rekindling roots. So rare—so under appreciated in this age of fanciful.

Thank you Sarah:

I just wrote-really relayed some very fun advice from novelist Holly Lisle. I think it ended up as a new topic under critiques called “How Not to Critique.” I apologize for all my mis-spelling and clumsy terms. I am in such a hurry to get across what I think before it runs right through my old mind, out the other side and gets forgotten!

I used to race horses-long distance races- and the doctor from Crosby loaded my horse in his big gorgeous trailer and we went off to the Kettle Moraine in Wis.to complete in a 50 and 100 mile race. Such fun.

About your situation, enjoy it. Take notes. Do what you can. There will come a day and all these experiences will be fuel for your writing.

If you love the midwest-do go to and read about Doing the Hard Thing (Blog on dealing with fear-continued from previous blog post) Enjoy and see ya later!
Sue

Dear Jyl:
I looked to find your profile but didn’t really and don’t know if you are male or female-no problem. You must believe that you are here for a reason. You know, I would not have written much if I didn’t have a writer’s group. You are here to be cheered on. Yes!!!! For me, at first, I wrote and was amazed when people liked it. My family couldn’t care less. Why not continue and do the exercises and lets just see. Welcome. This course is not inexpensive. I think you agree that thou are a writer!!!!
I think you are on to something big!
Sue