Hi Margie

I enjoyed reading your story.
The first paragraph caught my attention, roused my curiosity, and made me keen to keep reading.
I love the way you create an interesting situation with that opening description.

I also like the way you flow so smoothly from description to inner monologue – and back.

I have to give one piece of critical feedback, so here it is:
I think the number of voiced grievances weigh the story down at one point. By having so many grievances listed, including an accusation of being ‘far more childish,’ the text risks, at one point, becoming less a story, than a list of grievances – which may not be easy reading for some readers.

I enjoyed reading your story, and it has made a real impression on me – especially the references to cardinal lizards and the twenty five songs.
Thanks for sharing it!

Best wishes
Stuart.

Hi Mirel

I enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing it.

I liked the way Ann faced her problem (lack of water) and solved it (by asking for ice – which could then become water she could drink).

I also like the way you use dialogue: The exchange between Ann and the nurse, for example, opens the piece quickly. It reveals an interesting setting straight away, introduces Ann and her situation, and throws her straight into a conflict. Cleverly done!

I have to give one piece of critical feedback, so here it is:
The tale flies when you are ‘showing’ – but seems to slow down when you are ‘telling’.

As an example, up until the eighth paragraph (‘Once again the nurse…’), the reading pace is fast, and the reader is a bystander as events unfold.
By the tenth paragraph (‘At her last appointment…’), the narrative changes into a narrator’s summary.

In comparison to paragraphs one through eight, that passage may seem less vivid for the reader. Mainly because it puts the reader outside of the action, rather than making them a witness to it.

I really enjoyed the sense of conflict you created in the opening.
The scene of the pregnant lady desperately craving water will stay with me.
It is a very memorable situation, and you bring it to life really well.

Best wishes
Stuart.

Hi Ruthanne

I really enjoyed reading your story!

I like your vivid descriptions of the local environment.
The vivid sense-images really bring the scene to life.

Some of the imagery you use is striking in its own right too.
For example, in the first paragraph, you write ‘Lava was dead sunlight…’ This is one of the most beautiful phrases I have read in some time.
It’s a striking, poetic image – and beautiful too. Impressive! 🙂

I enjoyed the way your description provides a believable goat’s-eye view of the world, too. I now know what it is like to be a goat! Thank you 🙂

As I have to make one ‘critical’ point of feedback, here it is:
At a couple of points there may be a few too many adjectives in the descriptions – which may impact on readability. There is no one word that is out of place – just, perhaps, a density of detail that may reduce readability. My feedback point is that maybe some of the description passages could do with slight thinning of adjectives so as to ease the overall readability of the piece.

I also have to say I felt sad to read of Ed’s demise.
That’s not a criticism, though – just a sign that your writing brought him to life for me in the first place!
So R.I.P. Ed, and thank you Ruthanne for an enjoyable read. 🙂
Best wishes
Stuart.

I’m taking this course to force me to write and share some fiction.
Without an audience, and a deadline, I tend to work and re-work – and never submit anything.
I need targets and deadlines to get results – this workshop is a way to force me to deliver.

I also want to start building a cartel and learn from others’ experiences of using social media. And, of course, I am always glad to make new writer friends! 🙂

As for what I want to get out of my writing, I have different goals for different forms of writing:

I want to publish poetry, take part in some poetry readings and publish at least one collection.

I want to *sell* at least one short story! Not a huge ambition – but given bad experiences early in my writing journey, this will be fun in its own right and help free me from one my own writing demons.

I want to write and sell at least one novel or novella.

I would like to get something (anything) at the top of at least one bestseller list – even if it is an obscure and small niche at Amazon.com.

I write creatively to grow as a writer and, therefore, as a person.

I think all of my writing goals have another common motivation: a desire for a sense of personal satisfaction, to be able to look back at a job which was (hopefully) well done.

Hi Dawn

It’s good to know you 🙂
I look forward to working with you on the course.
Best wishes
Stuart.

Hi Anne

Congratulations on your many successes so far 🙂
It’s good to know you!
I look foward to working with you during the course.
Best wishes
Stuart.

Hi Amanda

Thanks for sharing your story.
It’s good to know you 🙂
I think Story Cartel is a great idea because it allows us to form friendships and alliances. I’m sure we will all be able to help each other.

I just looked for you on Facebook, but found a number of people with your name.
Not sure which one to send the friend request to.
Please can you add me –
My profile is at http://www.facebook.com/Stuart.A.Williams101

Best wishes
Stuart.

Hi Susan

Glad to meet you!
I just arranged for a sample of “No Way Back” to be sent to my Kindle.
I look forward to reading it, and working with you on the course.
Best wishes
Stuart.

Hi Judith

What an inspiring introduction!
Thanks for sharing your story.
It’s good to know you 🙂

Stuart.