I posted mine. The smallest story I have ever written.

I don’t need any more train stuff and besides my room has become too small to set up the tracks and the little town the train ran through.

Unquoted/italicized thoughts. This should be distinguished from the normal past tense prose.

Dad turned to mom, “Got any ideas?”
“Not right off hand.” Mom said.
All of a sudden their faces lit up and big smiles appeared.
“Trains!” they both said in unison and broke into laughter.
“He used to play with his train set a lot. Remember how he used to say that someday he would ride a real train. Let’s send him on a train trip to his Aunt Lisa’s in Arizona.” Dad said.
“That sounds wonderful. She has been begging for him to come visit them. He could stay a couple of weeks or more since school is out for the summer.”
“Let’s not say anything to him about it. We will buy a round-trip ticket and wrap it up in a big box.”
“I love it.” She said.

Should be set off from the previous stuff because we are no longer in Jason’s view point, which you originally had us limited to. Everything is being told from 1st person perspective, so how can he relay a scene to which he did not bear witness?

“That sounds wonderful. She has been begging for him to come visit them. He could stay a couple of weeks or more since school is out for the summer.”
“Let’s not say anything to him about it. We will buy a round-trip ticket and wrap it up in a big box.”
“I love it.” She said.

The dialog is too slow through here. People make snappy statements. “Perfect, she’s been begging for months, and we’d actually get some time to ourselves!”…. When you draw the dialog out too much, it doesn’t sound realistic.

“I almost forgot about wanting to ride a real train someday.”
“Thank you, Mom and Dad. This is the best present I could have asked for.”

Same person is speaking. No paragraph break. Paragraph breaks with same person speaking are used like this.
“Talking talking talking. (No Quote)
“Talking talking talking.”

Aside from my more editorial notes, I have a few comments on the story in general. Of course, I found your grammar and writing were great. The story banked on two mysteries. The first, what would Jason get for his birthday, and the other being how he would respond to it. This compelled me to read it, and I almost expected he would be angry about it. But, then I was happily surprised to see that he didn’t.
On the other hand, I felt there was a lot of unexplored potential in the relationships between the characters. Adding witty dialog would keep readers inspired. There could also be more conflict added to drive the reader to want to read further. What audience would you envision sharing this story with? To me, it would seem geared toward young readers.

Thanks for sharing this story! I enjoyed reading it and being introduced to the characters from your head. I hope to meet more of them.

Although I found the story compelling, an interesting read, it just didn’t appeal to me.

I felt the characters were painted realistic and acted their age. The descriptions of the parents were well done. Additionally, you showed the narrator’s emotions pretty well. These are all challenging things to do, so I feel you have quite a bit of skill to be able to express these things.

There were a few parts that confused me or needed a little work:

Joy braked the just about new ’63 Electra in our driveway.

Just about new and new, really doesn’t make much difference, but it reads smoother if you just say new.

Mom, propped on pillows beneath her crucifix pierced with last year’s frayed palms, read Leon Uris’ Armageddon, nodded at my announcement and said to my Dad, “David, you have to read this. It’s about the war.”

Too much going on for me to follow.

The car hummed down Barcelona, our street, and I said to Michael, “We know you’re getting in,” meaning I wasn’t.

I didn’t catch the earlier references to college, so this confused me. You only make a single reference to Stanford.

I looked out the window at the hills, which the moon had turned phosphorescent and sent cascading towards the sea.

This one is a little more subtle, but it creates a dangling modifier issue where you are suggesting that the moon sent the hills cascading towards the sea. I’m thinking you meant the shadows of the hills, though.

Misspelling – Rode = road

That’s all I got. Thanks for sharing this story. Looking forward to seeing what other kinds of stories you write.

I love the idea behind this story, very intriguing. I’m definitely interested to see what her life becomes like with all these ill-mannered girls. I did pick up that Evangeline represents pride. The story is compelling.

The writing needs touched up. A few confusing mistakes early on, but you tended to make less significant mistakes as I continued reading. Unless this is a prologue, you tell this part too quickly. Even then, you should slow it down, so each of these characters that comes to life is more vivid, and we know more about them.

Raises lots of questions. Will they all fight all the time? Will she eventually get rid of them or find a way to turn them back into ravens. What other interesting things could come out of a story like this? Looking forward to reading more.

He really doesn’t like meatloaf does he.

I felt, as I was reading it, like it seemed very familiar, very cookie-cutter of a past work of yours, Like you were copying a previous character that I had read about. Then, I figured out it was Daniel. Silly me!

Excited to see a sequel for another magic adventure with my favorite artist.

It never used to be this way; generations of my family have lived in this village, survived two world wars, and the mining strikes. Then came the latest economic downturn, and our own little community has been felled like a stack of carefully balanced cards. Shops are boarded up, businesses that have been around for generations, have folded.

Interesting how the town could survive two world wars and mining strikes, but an economic downturn could wreck the community. Excellently add, though more of a side note detail. Some might say it is unnecessary, but I feel the level of detail in this piece is part of its strengths.

I loved how you portrayed this separating of mother and daughter. It was heartfelt for both characters, and I immediately identified with them both. I especially loved how you drew in scents to trigger an emotional reaction in the reader. The execution was perfect, and had me thinking of how I could once remember the smell of my mother’s perfume.

The dialog between mother and daughter was cared out masterfully and is poignant.

Like the others, I feel a little fine tuning would help the piece, but to me, that is too obvious a comment. This may be more of a personal thing, but I feel the mother wouldn’t shut the door, but would stand there, staring after her until her daughter was gone from sight.

I knew that magic would happen when you achieved the emotional expression in your characters. Mixing it with your wonderful descriptions creates an atmosphere that I can only describe as magic and surreal. Your Magic Realism is coming to life!

I’m simply amazed by your stories anymore. Thanks for sharing Katie.

I enjoyed the story. It was an interesting read, and I wondered what would happened to the characters in it. Romantic getaway goes south! Or was it North. Which direction is the water in?!

“My boyfriend of three months didn’t answer.” – This one just jumped out at me for some reason. Too early for telling. Perhaps he just marched off angry because he didn’t want to talk to her.
On the other hand, “I hoped he was okay.” brings the rest of the paragraph into focus.

“I climber higher, …” Typo that I barely caught.

The second paragraph starts well and ends well, but the huge sentence in the middle made me have to re-read a couple of times to see what was going on.

Somewhere between the second and third paragraph, I didn’t catch the transition from things that HAD happened to things that were happening, possibly because there are more ‘had’s at the beginning of the 3rd paragraph. Anyways, I didn’t realize I had made that mistake until I was near the end of the story.

What was the lady’s expression?

I bet that salad tasted like heaven! An insightful personal story, thanks for sharing.

Opening yourself up in your writing, and putting vulnerability aside is one of the most profound things you will ever do to improve your writing.

Like Ann, I have to admire your bravery. You suggested hinting is not a good way to tell a story, and I believe you are wrong. Hinting is an excellent way to tell a story, you just have to make sure the details and hints you are giving are raising questions, and that there is a drive for the reader to find the answer to those questions.

The hints were too subtle for me to follow, and I too, thought perhaps your mother had knocked you over the head. She is, after all, described as unconventional. 🙂

I know you have the capacity to bring more emotion to the piece, be it anger, frustration, or just the feeling of loss.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Hall.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Hall.